Chapter 26 - When is it time to have sex? (sample)
Skin, the largest human organ, forms the gateway for the sense of touch. Because sensations from the skin are extremely powerful, they are very difficult to disregard or ignore. Not surprisingly, most sexual sensations start with touch to the skin. As a result, the more skin we expose to touch, the stronger the reaction. A full-blown sexual interaction involves nearly all the skin we have, even down to our inner layers. Should the sensation prove pleasing, your subconscious brain issues a single dominant command: get more. Your will to control this impulse may feel extremely limited, especially if you are young. The end result is that you may repeatedly find yourself in conflicts of interest because your body and your subconscious mind are powerfully seeking a sexual encounter that may run contrary to your logic and better judgment.
People with a strong ability to love and connect often possess a well-developed sense of touch largely because their major caretaker taught them how enjoyable, comforting, and relaxing touch can be. Most loving people do seem to enjoy physical touch more than people with a disability to love, even if the touch is unrelated to sex. As such, a loving person is certainly at risk of making a mistake when his or her skin gets involved in the decision making. Fortunately, the same person usually has a self-protective mechanism that helps to keep them quite literally at arm’s length from harm’s way: the strong feeling of mental discomfort or uneasiness which inhibits close contact with a stranger. People with a strong ability to love do not want or need casual, close contact with people they don’t know very well. They perceive such encounters to be highly unpleasant. Therefore, they will usually decide not to act on impulse and embrace the intimacy of a stranger. In contrast, promiscuous behavior is typical in people that have been deprived of affection and loving attention. Disconnected people rarely experience love, and they often don’t care for the emotional intimacy so integral to sexual intimacy. Their behavior cannot be used as a guideline for what is appropriate in a commitment.
In the United States, we have progressed through a development from sexual “illiteracy“ in the 1950’s, to the realization in the 1960’s that women are also entitled to an orgasm, to practice, practice, practice in the 1970’s, to highly informed and communicative interactions in the 1980’s. In the 1990’s and on into the new millenium, we have access to more than enough knowledge about sexuality without enough opportunity to apply our expertise. We find ourselves in a situation not unlike some teenagers: a brand new driver’s license but no hot wheels!
How ironic that just when sexual over-stimulation and clinical knowledge concerning the human sexual response seem to have reached an apex, the opportunities to freely apply the wisdom and skills concerning safe sex have withered. In that sense we are all dressed up with no place to go. It will be a big challenge in the new millenium to remove the obstacles that stubbornly prevent us from enjoying our very natural right to connect with a special person and to live normal adult lives.
Many single people constantly seek relief during lonely times, searching for information that can provide them with reassurance and hope. As such, they resort to watching television, surfing the Internet, or going to the movies. From these media sources, it is easy to get the impression that everybody is enjoying a fun and fulfilling sex life, everybody except you. The cultural implication is that anyone capable of maintaining an erection or possessing a vagina is ready to have sexual relations and that you can get to know someone by merely sleeping with him or her. Furthermore, there is a whole range of media imagery urging you to believe that sexual deprivation constitutes unbearable pain and suffering, a condition altogether too pathetic to be accepted by normal people. Overall, the tendency is to believe that venting your sexual desire with anyone, at anytime, in anyplace fits in just fine with social norms. The cumulative effect of these half-truths is that sex is no longer as closely associated with intimacy and sacred human connection. As a result, an underlying reason that people have problems in relationships is that they decide to have sex too early.
All too often, commitment-minded people decide to have sexual encounters early on in the dating process because they feel pressured by their environment, by the people they are dating, or by external influences that oversimplify the portrayal of sex as harmless and fun. Sometimes people have just exhausted their capacities to say no. Hampered by general misconceptions or subjected to sexual stimulation by someone who makes them feel guilty or prude if they resist any longer, many simply succumb because they lack competent information, which would enable them to communicate their point and reach a good-natured agreement.
Keep in mind that you should always decide what happens to you. It is important that you act according to your natural needs. If you know that you need to be loved in order to be happy, never consider casual sex. And never compromise with your decision that it is too early in a relationship for you to have sex!
If the desire for sexual interaction becomes a power struggle on any level, you are not dealing with a relationship with potential for a commitment. Remember that someone willing to marry for great sex is probably in search of a convenient relationship, which is temporary by nature, even if you end up married. If you do decide to have sex knowing that your partner lacks the potential for a commitment, be frank enough to discuss and agree upon the goal of the relationship. If you think you can have some fun under the circumstances, make sure that you know the limitations, risks, and possible consequences for your emotional well being.
Before you have sex, be sure that you:
• Know where and how your potential mate lives.
•
Know any pets and like them.
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Know any children and really like them.
•
Know and respect any close relatives.
•
Have discussed how the two of you want to live together
and are mutually pleased with the plan.
•
Have discussed a pre-nuptial agreement, have agreed
on the details, and have reviewed a preliminary draft.
•
Have used each other’s credit cards, house
keys, cars, etc. with no discomfort or alarming feelings.
•
Have extensive indications that this person could
be your best friend.
•
Would spontaneously welcome this person at your hospital
bedside should the need arise and would find this
prospect comforting.
•
Would without hesitation drop everything to rush
to this person’s hospital bedside even if it
meant the need to be there for long hours.
•
Would be comfortable asking this person to help you
with a sudden move and could assume that the help
would be forthcoming.
•
Believe this person would give you shelter for a
limited time if you needed it for unforeseen reasons.
•
Go for STD tests and review the results together.
•
Are confident that he or she has no history of extended
drug or alcohol abuse.
•
Check with a private investigator to confirm that
all the statements of this person are true. You will
need this assurance anyway before you enter a commitment,
and you should absolutely know with whom you are
having sex.
•
You have not discovered signs of abuse, severe anger,
manipulation, or attempts to control you.
•
Have determined that this person is fully capable
of maintaining a commitment and has expressed the
wish to share a life with you.
•
Have never had disagreements severe enough to make
you regret your decision to be with this person.
•
Have mutually agreed that this planned sexual encounter
is meant to assure each other of possible sexual
harmony in the future and is not necessarily the
beginning of a full-blown sexual relationship.